A mom’s petition for a summer raise
Dear whoever is in charge:
Greetings from the suburbs! I hope you are well.
I just wanted to send you a message to let you know that since the last day of school my position as mom has expanded to include several additional duties, and as such I would like to ask for a raise.
As you probably know, my job description during the months of September to May consisted of: Washing, folding and drying clothes (one load per day); emptying the dishwasher (once); pick up lost dishes (one turn); reload the dishwasher (once); sign school papers; clean the toilets (once a week) and sometimes write things for the local newspaper.
As of May 26, I have seen a significant increase in these fees. I now do up to four loads of laundry per day (including clothes that have been worn for five minutes or never worn); three loads of dishes per day (including cups used for a sip of water); 15 rounds of collection of lost dishes; daily toilet cleaning (dirty feet standing on toilet seats); and do my best to write things for the local newspaper.
Fortunately, we have finished signing the papers, so I appreciate your consideration.
However, if I had realized that my summer duties would also require me to transform into GrubHub, Uber, Merry Maids, and Disney, all wrapped up in a not-so-tidy package, I’m not sure I would have applied.
If an increase is out of the question, could you please send for help?
Please keep in touch.
While I appreciate your daring in asking for a raise, I think I should direct you to the fine print of your original job application, which you clearly haven’t read. I have pasted it for you below as a reminder.
* At the time of this application, the applicant is undoubtedly concerned about warm, blurry visions of soft-cheeked newborns sleeping soundly in soft blankets. Sounds good, but the job also includes and is by no means limited to: Lifetime laundry and dishes; episodes of colic, collapse, temper tantrums, nerve, melancholy and other emotions; All the fluid things of the body; cleaning that will never be done; constant distribution of snacks, especially during the summer months; cook for a picky crowd; sleepless nights; emergency room visits; sitting through elementary age sporting events; loss of personal space; and anything not explicitly listed here.
While I can’t give you a raise, I would like to take a moment to remind you of the perks that come with being a mom that you may have forgotten about.
They include but are not limited to: A good dose of humility (not a bad thing); patience (admit you could use more of that – I’ll see what I can do); new friends; the opportunity to relive all the good things of your childhood; the privilege of raising the next generation of thinkers, creators, actors, etc. ; perspective on what’s really important in life and learn to love in ways you never thought possible.
There are more, but it should be enough to get you started.
Regarding your request for help, haven’t you heard of the assignment of tasks?
The big guy
PS You better brush your hair or you look like a hypocrite.
Abbey Roy is a mom of three girls who make every day an adventure. She writes to keep her sanity. You can probably reach her at [email protected], but the responses are structured around bedtime and weekends.